What the F*ck am I Writing Today: How To Be Committed
Today reminds me that even though I am a writer
A published author.
A sought-after collaborator.
A ghostwriter for those who can’t string words together to save their messaging lives.
And even an award-winning wordsmith...
Okay, I’m done tooting my own damn horn…
I can still write sh*t.
Even after more than 20,000,000 morning words written.
To think every-single-word I write will be magical is snort-worthy.
And I know this,
even as it pains me on a day like today,
but do you?
Do you know this?
Or do you understand it as a concept that perhaps doesn’t apply to you?
Or shouldn’t?
Oh hello, lovely Ego… there you are.
Do you honestly think, feel, believe
that everything you do in life,
every step taken
is a touchdown, home-run, praise-worthy endeavor?
For it is and it isn’t.
Ah, the lovely in between.
When you sink into this sweet spot,
So much is possible.
Yet, if you keep searching
for that moment
where it all comes together
into happily-ever-after perfection,
think again.
As I don’t mean to be a downer
but that is a Hollywood,
or is it a Disney,
ending that is but a dream.
A falsehood
that keeps people
unhappy, stuck,
expecting life
to be different
then it is.
To finally get better
when they get there,
when they get it,
when they are worthy
of that happy ending.
Instead of seeing life as simply a series of steps each and every day,
there is this misconception of a finish line,
a destination where someone yells BINGO,
the golden buzzer sounds
and glitter (along with cold-hard-cash) falls from the proverbial sky.
Plus that guy, or gal,
sweeps you off your feet
and plants a kiss on you
that you feel
as a full-body shiver
all-the-way up and down
to your toes...
As they curl…
Hmmm, delicious.
Well, I call bullshit.
And nope,
I don’t apologize
for that bucket of arctic water
tossed on the fantasy-land-of-you
because when you get this message,
when you embody this,
all changes.
When you too call bullsh*t on those fantasy beliefs
that may look divine
through a looking-glass
of rose-colored glasses
but are actually a lie…
Your path forward will become crystal clear.
Just like today is a bullsh*t writing day for me.
And I’m good with it.
See life is about all the mis-steps,
not only the #wins.
It’s being solid, grounded, planted,
rooted firm in you,
in those messy moments in-between.
Being okay with the stumbles,
The words that don’t ring quite right.
Don’t jump off my page in utter delight.
Knowing that you are f*cking enough anyway
and not retreating
not giving it meaning
not reverting back to stories
that have whispered dialogue
in your head
that goes something like...
Loser.
See, can’t get anything right?
What the hell is wrong with you?
What are you? Stupid!
OMG, why can’t I get this.
What am I doing wrong?
Life is out to get me.
I’m so broken.
I hate this.
I suck.
This blows.
I hate my life.
What the hell is wrong with me?
Words that resound on a cellular level and pull a being down, down, down.
Into a quicksand of fear, procrastination, perfectionism, self sabotage, imposture-is-me syndrome…
Ah, I remember those days for they taught me much.
That spiral into the darkest despair.
That oh-so-popular dance, done solo.
You know the one,
Two steps in, rock that beat,
Five steps back, scurry back you rat-tat-tat.
I could have gone this route today,
Dropped this beat,
One as known to me as the passing of time.
And the old me would have,
but hell-to-the-no,
I took a rock-steady beat,
gave it no meaning other than
Hmm, curious, is it not?
When I am curious, I step out of judgement, as the two can not live hand-in-hand.
Being curious, brings me JOY and if you know me at all, you know this is my highest value.
When JOY goes, I topple like Humpty Dumpty who sat on the wall, watching the world go bye-bye-bye, before he took a great fall.
Know thyself and what unplugs your spark and you will solve the riddle of you.
For knowledge of this nature gives you power to never again extinguish your light.
And allows you to understand,
without question or doubt,
that a step forward,
each and every day,
even on those days you want to pull up the covers
or stomp your foot and shout hell-to-the-no-no-no!
Is what rights your very world.
When you catch the fact that the Journey Of You
is actually what brings J.O.Y. into your life
And not from some guru-spouted,
Netflix Original created destination,
you find freedom so luscious, so sweet
you’ll be on fire to hop, skip and jump your way forward,
even on a day such as this.
A day where my first typed words were...
I don’t want to write today.
What an interesting thought, is it not?
Because literally, I AM A WRITER.
And each day, I have a morning routine that sees me pounding out 2,500 words before I even begin my work day. I will write more on this soon.
And writing to me, is so not work.
Yet, today, for some strange twist of fate, I sit before my MacBook Pro and begin to type out words of Know Thyself, a post I was considering, and nothing feels quite right.
I simply don’t want to write.
New.
Strange.
As I can never remember feeling this way.
Ever.
I did not ask why?
I did not bemoan my fate.
I simply kept on typing until these here words came out… For what you read today is what came to me today, on this day of publication.
As yes, I am still a work in progress and love-to-hate the last-minute rush.
And isn’t it delicious that it happens right when I rebranded my site from my name to The JOYful Writer?
Let’s speak to that right there, for suddenly I know myself so well, that to call myself The JOYful Writer, is like Cinderella slipping on the glass slipper made specifically for her delicate foot.
It fits. It works. It’s done.
And that is the magic of making quick, know thyself decisions.
I didn’t stop in judgement and question myself around why retreat from using my own name.
I didn’t make it mean anything.
Instead, I made a choice.
A decision.
Done.
My decisions are based on answering one of two questions
Does this feel light? or Does this feel heavy?
Period.
And this one felt so light.
So free.
So delicious even.
Whereas just 15 months ago, it was such a reach to publish anything in my name.
Just one year ago, this idea would have tormented me with all the meaning I would have given it, all the weight, all it said about me slipping backward – again.
Ah, the angst of it all.
For there was much hemming and hawing, tantrums and …
And now?
Now, it’s just ease.
Flow.
Alignment.
Meant to be.
When something feels right, how can it be wrong?
Now that’s a loaded question if I ever did ask one.
Ah, deep thought for not feeling a desire to write.
And yet, here I sit, writing anything.
Allowing what comes to flow through me.
Because I AM A WRITER.
Period.
And writers write.
Full. Stop.
Crap or brilliance, you be the judge, jury and executioner or one in a crowd of standing-o-s.
See my job is to put words on virtual paper and hit publish…
My work is then done.
If I impact one, I have won.
This is a fun sing-along line I literally live, work, play and coach by.
Just as when a decision is made, my work is done.
There is no need to analyze or question or ponder or step back in doubt.
What if your way of being was to simply step forward day-after-day after day.
Not about getting to the destination first,
for the destination is never clear.
Not even when you are aligned and committed to placing one foot in front of the other.
Clarity comes in the forward momentum of you.
Focus sharpens in the committed actions you bring to the table of your life.
The destination may be a thought, vision, dream or goal but it rarely ends up being the exact thing we aspired to.
Our idea of a destination, goal, end-point is actually so incredibly limited, it’s laughable. And yet, we get so stuck on wanting it at all costs.
When you discover a path to releasing what that destination will look like, that’s where you allow room for magic, for possibility, for play, for JOY.
Focusing on the end point as a curtain-call to happy is a fundamental human mistake…
So human, most get caught in this trap and then spend decades untangling the woven web of self loathing, and all-the-feelings of deep defeat.
When you reach an understanding, an awareness, that really the destination you seek is a wrap, a full-circle journey of you
And actually lies, resides, within, then you will know true freedom.
When you end that cycle of stepping up, stepping out or retreating in
And simply go within…
Well, bells will ring on the cellular level of you and welcome you home.
So imagine for one hot sec, if I’d put down my fingertips, closed my MacBook Pro and decided today just not to write.
Not to honor my commitment to the word count, for that’s what writing is all about.
What would that have cost me? To break my own vow…
What would that have cost you, dear reader, not receiving this message…
Where in your life are you considering not showing up?
Have you once considered the ripple effect of that choice?
If these words have impacted you, leave me a comment and do give them a share so we may spread the message loud and clear.
The message is simple.
Take a step today with grace, with JOY, with ease and simple allow.
I could have easily called it a day and chosen to listen to the voice within of you suck, you have nothing to say.
It’s a quiet voice now, but still there upon a rare occasion…
So consider what you may want to give into today simply because it feels hard or doesn’t feel quite right…
Honor your commitment, if it’s in your highest and greatest good, and you will know when it is, my friend, and when you are just making an excuse.
Those are two very different energies… and all is energy, is it not?
Because in honoring your commitment, that thing you said you would do above all else, you make that internal sh*thead voice smaller and less likely to mess with you in the future.
It’s in these moments of resistance your truth, brilliance, and you can shine out.
When your impact will be truly felt.
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