Good Girl Or Bad To The Funny-Bone
Dear JOYful One,
I used to be a good girl.
Nix that.
I still am a good girl.
But for very different reasons.
See, I’m also a bad-girl.
A bold, rule-breaking, f-bomb dropping, bad-to-the-funny-bone gal.
And I love it.
I love the freedom that comes with finally being comfy in my own skin.
If you can imagine not being good with who you are,
Not feeling enough living in your own skin,
Gosh, I feel you.
Maybe you can relate to always being the good one…
Whether an only child or one of many,
to please those in your life.
Perhaps you followed the letter of the law.
Making straight A-s
Striving and perfecting,
Aching to receive something.
A smile, pat on the head, praise, acceptance, love.
Pause for a beat if that resonates.
Do you remember how that way of being feels?
For me, it was a high of needing to do more,
Be more of what that person who smiled at me wanted.
Changing myself just a tad to please this person.
Twisting myself that way, just a bit, to please that other person.
Until answering the question,
Who Am I Even?
Became impossible.
Until I was so tied up in knots, I didn’t even recognize me.
The never-ending spin of being what everyone wanted me to be left me depleted, exhausted and so bloody angry…
But while that anger, at first, was directed at others in a blame-game,
It soon became crystal clear this was more a-fuming-mad at me moment that spiraled down into shame, if I allowed.
Again, take a beat. Does that resonate?
If not, perhaps...
You went that bad-boy (or girl) route
and did all you could to stir-the-pot of your life
Receiving just a dash of temporary JOY,
When able to poke, antagonize, annoy everyone in your vicinity.
And in return, you were awarded attention if not praise, acceptance and love.
While this path was not mine to own, it was the path my characters often took. Those creations I wrote stories about
And conversations I’d have in my head.
Perhaps you know that way of being,
lost in what you coulda-woulda-shoulda said
if only you had thought it at the time.
Replaying a moment over and over on repeat until you’re so exhausted or pissed at yourself that you can’t see straight.
Man, that was me.
Working myself up into sick by constantly thinking
if only I’d said this or that
or been just a bit more of something I was not.
This way of showing up made me ill as a teenager and perhaps you can relate. With the constant replaying of convos,
With working yourself up to pissed or sick.
Neither way pays.
For one the inner turmoil but more importantly the missing out on the now.
The moment that is.
The only moment that matters.
I lost so much time stuck in my head.
I lost so many opportunities because I was trapped in my emotions.
And it took pressing pausing, a beat of silence, awareness that in pleasing everyone else I was never going to be free to be me.
Both ways of being
Good-girl or Bad-to-the-Bone
have something deeply in common,
a need to belong.
A need to matter.
A need to be seen.
A point-blank-need for something outside oneself.
And that, that right there, is the downfall of so many who say they want JOY in their life yet all but repel it with every decision.
For more than 20 years I have been a vivacious, audacious, in-your-face, brilliant, fun, bright and un-f*ck-with-able woman.
I have closed deals, made bank, impacted people around the world and received praise
(but not taken the time to receive it nor honor it until recently)
All of this from doing what comes naturally…
Wielding my purple pen of words.
But not doing it as me, but as an alter ego version of me.
Until recently.
How can I fully own my own success and celebrate my accomplishments when I hid that I was a successful closet writer?
When I chose not to see that I was a bad-ass and a good-girl?
When I had to don a disguise to be me?
A side of me who broke rules and was a bad-ass-bold-girl who got-sh*t-done.
Someone I admired, yet never dared show up as for-real, until now.
Recently, I found absolute freedom in just being me and no longer playing a character-version in my own life.
Yet, what if it’s common to not show up fully as oneself.
Playing a dimmed down version.
Hiding behind all the stories of abandonment, fear of rejection, low self-worth.
Lacking the self-confidence to know you are great, enough, just as you are.
See, this week, I had a meltdown.
A big one.
A breaking point.
And it was delicious even in all the ugly crying.
I’m writing all about it.
And I want to invite you in.
It’s a JOY-Subscriber Only Read
And it’s vulnerable.
Real.
Honest.
And if you want some of that, you have a choice.
Become a JOY! Subscriber and receive more delicious words each week.
Either way, I know for a fact that JOY is where it’s at and if you need more acceptance, praise and love in your life, know this.
You give it to yourself first and receive so much more.
More than you can even begin to imagine.
And it all starts with more JOY.
Here’s my secret, and the reason I am now
closing deals,
making bank,
impacted people around the world
and received praise as me, not a fake version of me…
I know in my bones Abundance Follows JOY.
And that’s a mic-drop-able moment, when you truly know that #truth.
