Facing My Fears – The Tale Of Lilly Anne
I laid down on the cool tiled floors, thankful for the sweater and jeans covering most of my must-have-warmth body.
I had no idea that doing this one little act would be so incredibly impactful.
How a simple task of facing a "fear" could open my world in unimaginable ways, that even now I strive, no struggle to find the best words to paint this divine share...
As literally, to speak, after this moment, was impossible.
And no, this fear conquered had nothing to do with public speaking but everything to do with my perception of people...
And myself...
Dive into this read with me now to see how one moment, one choice can open a door to so much.
JULY 2019
It was a Monday. Busy. Go figure. But this was pre-pandemic when Corona was still served with a twist and a lime.
Best on a beach...
But while in the heart of Miami, the air-conditioned breeze removed all thoughts of tropical warmth and sandy beaches from my mind.
See, I was doing the thing.
That thing I did not want to do...
I was facing a fear.
And of course I chose the most crowded spot. The one were lines formed as people with devices waited for the glass doors to slide open and the Apple-bells to ring.
I laid down on the cool tiled floors, thankful for the sweater and jeans covering most of my must-have-warmth body.
And spoiler alert... I had a blast!
People asked me what I was doing…
I said, “Looking at things from a new perspective.”
A grandfather get help from his son and daughter to lay beside me so he too could look at things differently.
His name was Jose Felipe and we laid side-by-side for 15 minutes, chatting up a storm.
His grandkids laid beside us. Quietly listening to us and whispering about the ‘weird’ woman.
I learned about his boat ride from Cuba.
About being sent back.
And coming again on a raft.
Wow.
I talked to a couple who asked me if I was afraid of what people were saying about me, laying on the floor.
I shared that people were judging me if I was upright walking past them or laying here ‘crazy’ on the ground. And it didn’t matter...Let them judge.
He liked it.
She freaked.
And this led to more interesting chats.
I had a lady buy me a coffee. Just because.
Maybe she thought I was tired...?
Two Apple techs came out to give me a rolled up shirt to put under my head.
They shared, one timid and one with glee, that some customers were recording a video of the cray-cray-floor lady.
Didn’t care.
Sweet.
Fun.
A cute 30-something in a suit gave me chocolate from Godiva. I thought it important to share, I was hitched before helping myself to his chocolate.
He laughed and said, lucky him, and gave me the entire box.
The kids and Jose Felipe dove into the tasty treats with me.
A cop asked what I was doing... I shared.
Then I asked if he liked what he was doing - patrolling the mall. We had a ten minute chat about his hopes and dreams. He wanted to write crime dramas…hmmm.
Life-changing. For him. For me.
Laying down in the middle of a crowded mall, in front of that busy-as-heck Apple store, brought up so many STORIES and interpretations...and fears.
And Because I Chose To Do It Anyway,
This Happened…
Connections
Conversations
Sharing
Opening Of Hearts & Minds
Vulnerability
Love
And then, when I thought it couldn’t get any better, as the Apple manager and employees actually gifted me items ….
What?!
Believe me, I know. I was blown away but their words, that was the true gift.
A few brave souls shared how I touched them. That they press-paused in their day to stop and talk about what I was doing, why I was doing it and the IMPACT it made on them and the manager.
First, that I was willing to face the fear of public humiliation, which frankly stumped many of them… and if we’re being honest, it terrifies most people, does it not?
Maybe you can relate.
And second, one sweet girl with ink-black braids knelt beside me and said, “I love how you took time for each person who approached you.”
When I asked her why that made her sad, as she had tears in her eyes, she said, “Most people don’t give me the time of day.”
"What do you mean?” I can still feel my frown and that tug on my heart strings.
“Because I look different.”
She was covered in ink, more than just her jet-black hair and showed me by rolling up her long-sleeves.
I didn’t know what to say, so I said the truth. “Beauty comes from within. Those who don’t take time to see you are simply not worth your time.”
Her hug was one now, all but hug-less for going on eleven months, I remember fondly.
(Amazing the little things I miss. And now recognize as so incredibly important.)
Priceless.
But that’s not where this tale ends.
Although it easily could.
Nope… there’s more.
A spa across the way thought I needed a facial.
Either sun damage or from being on the cold floor… [smile]... so sweet.
It so was…
And Jose Felipe's granddaughter. She floored me.
She handed me the greatest gift…dug out of her very own pocket. Her favorite charm keychain.
The little girl who just a short time ago had used lady and weird in the same sentence and thought I hadn’t understood.
[wink]
This keychain was not a plastic, throw-away kid-item but an expensive thing from Coach.... And, I cried. Not from receiving a dang keychain but from the express, dare I say love, in her eyes.
I cried because it wasn’t until that moment that I realized I hadn’t asked her name… that I had been so occupied with others, while she sat quietly, patiently, attentively beside me…
Waiting her turn.
Lilly-Anne.
My heart stopped in that moment. I could have sworn, looking back that the world stopped...for just a beat.
I want you to remember something before I go on with this sharing…
I believe that
Everything is Energy…
We choose our path.
We all chose to be here…
These are my beliefs, opinions, although the first is indeed fact.
That said, Let me take you back to a conversation I had once, long ago.
My fiancé more than ten years back, called me early one morning and said,
I interrupted with “—You had a dream.”
“YES!”
“Me too.”
Silence.
I managed to get out... “I met our daughter–”
“–her name was—”
“—Lilly.”
“YES!” Chris choked up on the other end of the phone.
Tears were already streaming down my face as I said, “She had—”
“—Ringlets.”
“And they were—”
“—strawberry blonde. Like yours.”
“Yes.” I was full on ugly crying at this point but it mattered not. I could hear the tears in his voice too.
Chris, a crazy Brit who liked to call me Twit had three boys, 21, 18 and 7 at the time. He never thought he’d have more. Never imagined he’d have a little girl… but there she was… in both our dreams. On the same evening.
And then he was gone. A helicopter crash just two months later.
No Lilly.
But I always had the shared dream.
And that was beautiful.
You think this tale ends here but no, there is more.
I met my Frenchman in Feb 2011 and we tied the knot in January, almost one year later. He so wanted to have a child and I was hesitant.
He had two already and we were new, fresh, and I was NOT used to being in a relationship…
Hmm, personal responsibility, I made it HARD.
So we’d dream and chat over morning coffee while I “made” him rub my feet (which he LOVED to do). We decided that our “son” would be Edmond Lee after this grandfather and mine, should we have a boy…
And he was determined, if we had a girl, to name her….
Anne-Marie…
And I tacked on Sophie, just because it sounded so cool.
Now, it never happened. My fabulous Frenchman and I decided NOT to have Edmond Lee or Anne-Marie Sophie…
Just as Chris and I did not have Lilly…
And yet here she was - the CULMINATION of those conversations.
The incarnation of Lilly-Anne
And it rocked me to my core. Literally.
Because I did this work
Because I let go of my fear of being judged...
Because I was open to possibility...
….I was given a gift.
I met my daughter(‘s) energy.
And she knew it.
I knew it.
And yes, she had ringlets…
No sh*t.
It's SO wonderful to know SHE became a reality, SHE became someone's reality.
Tears flow freely with such ease and JOY and amazement because....
If I had not laid down out of fear of judgment or some such stupid, meaningless story or interpretation....
AND not received that beautiful message!
What a missed opportunity that would have been...
What Are You MISSING
By Staying Trapped In Your
Fear, Interpretations, Stories, Bullshit?
This moment, this exercise showed me so much more than the physical reality we all think is real, is all there is.
It’s nothing. There is so much more.
When I get out of my way…
The UNIVERSE shows me what’s possible.
For me.
And it will
For you.
Shows me the true IMPACT of my actions, my words, my stories... my interpretations.
And the line I go back to daily…
100% Possible.
100% of the time.
And I ask myself constantly –
What’s possible for me in this moment?
What can I learn from this?
How can I grow?
And it serves me, so if that serves you, steal it.
Because literally anything is possible.
Even a Thanksgiving phone call last year...
Where I bawled afterward like a little baby.
It was Lilly-Anne calling to tell me she’s so thankful to have me in her life and how she talks to me when she’s sleeping and knows I have her keychain with me always.
That’s how she finds me… she shared.
OMG!
She then lowered her voice to a whisper and told me a “secret”
And this broke me – in a blessed way I’ll never forget.
She said…You were my first-choice mama but you weren’t ready for me.
OH.
MY.
GOD.
And she was right.
So
Beautifully
Right.
I Share This Tale
So You See There Is So Much More Possible.
And heck, if you’re shedding a tear, know that I am still crying as I type this out.
But it’s tears of possibility.
It’s tears of amazement.
Because today, Lilly-Anne called me again… to wish her other-Mama Happy Gratitude Day.
When will you ready to get out of your way,
Let go of the sh*t stories and step into all that you are?
It’s time…is it not?
Final Update
And remember that cop who spoke to me about those crime dramas he wanted to write. Well, a few months later I had a call with him, as of course I gave him my number while laying on that too-cold-tile floor outside of the Apple store.
I coached him on 3 pointers to start way back in 2019… and he took it all to heart.
He began writing in his spare time and took to writing me a monthly email update.
He told me he’s saving up money to coach with me and simply wanted to keep me in his accountability loop.
He also asked me, pretty forcefully I might add, to start a group program in the New Year so he can do it sooner rather than later.
And guess what?
That cop, he booked that coaching session he said he wanted.
We meet next week and he promises to bring his completed rough draft to the table. Damn, son! Gotta love that.
Like I shared early.
100% is possible. 100% of the time.
