99% In Is A B*TCH (Being Visible)

If you are 99% in,
you might as well be out! 

Being visible sucks.
Until it doesn’t. 
For me.

It’s like all new things.
Things we say we want,
perhaps,
Yet, because they are uncomfortable, 
We don’t sink fully in. 

Maybe we hem
We haw
We step two feet in
Then hurriedly back the heck up 
and out.

Peace.

Yet, not feeling the least bit peaceful.
More like depressed, 
Disappointed, 
Angry,
Frustrated even. 
And so very alone. 

Sound familiar? 

I know it does for so many. 
Sound like a pattern you may know 
Better than a pair of cozy socks
Or that comforter you cuddle on a cold, damp day. 

It’s so very painful to always be in and out. 
To be only 99% committed 
As someone remarkable once told me.

You’d think 99% in, awesome, right? 

Wrong!
Because that 1% of you
That’s out,
That’s the b*tch. 

That’s the push pull.
The itch that you constantly scratch.
The disconnect. 
The turmoil.
The lack of forward progress.

The succeed 
Then fail
Pattern of you.

Yes, there is something to be said for focus. 
Yes, there is much to be said about alignment 
With your purpose, 
Your passion. 

Yes, it’s about making an impact. 

However, when you’re in one day and out the next,
How much impact are you truly generating?
Where is your focus?
Alignment? Come on now!

This has been my way of being,
In the past.

A colossal nightmare of 
Hide and seek.
With no “found” shouted in a game 
That never flipping ends. 

Until I decide to end it. 

And I’ve been here before. 
Ready to step all in. 
And I’ve retreated before. 

Sound familiar to you.
Perhaps you’ve done this with being visible, 
Like I have. 

Or with your weight,
Like I have.

Or with debt, money or knowing your own value.
Perhaps with relationships
Or even knowing what you want. 

Or name any commitment
that you can see
became a seesaw of 
to and fro, 
back and forth, 
in and out, 
up and down. 

It’s so dang uncomfortable
To be in that place of stepping out, 
Being visible (or whatever is your thing to step into)
And yet, even more painful,
The retreat.
The sense of failure.

The those
What’s wrong with me 
thoughts.

The nasty voice that starts to play on repeat in your head.

Yet, what if the work is about leaning in, 
fully, completely, utterly
and especially in that moment where something in you screams
no
no
no!

And so wants to retreat.
But the work is in
Not pulling away, 
but sinking fully into the mire
that is the ick of discomfort.
The unfamiliar,
The itch
that so makes you want to run, ignore, hide?

What if the work is in the pause
When that need to retreat hits.

Not doing anything but sitting with all those feels.
Just for a bit.
A tepid bath of you in all your glorious unease.
For not to do this creates dis-ease
in you.

What if the shift happens
When you stay
Step forward anyway
And not back. 

But when you literally,
unequivocally,
sink into the discomfort of it all. 

Running from the discomfort 
of being visible, 
Or whatever causes that twitch or itch for you,
Is the true crime, is it not? 

For you can’t truly run from it, 
From you,
Ever. 

That’s just another lie we tell ourselves
That leaves us feeling
Empty
Alone
Lost
Disconnected 
And back at square one. 

So lean in today, 
When discomfort hits
And take another step all in. 

And that’s the razor's edge. 
Sinking into the discomfort
As it comes.  

I am.
And it sucks. 

I’m stepping out
With my words
With my face
With my voice
With my all
And really all I want to do is 
Retreat.

I see now why Cortés
Ordered burn the boats! 

So there would be no 
Retreat
Retreat
Retreat
When the going got tough 
for his army. 

When the discomfort of battle,
Of possible death
Set in.

And here’s the good news.
I will not die
By being visible. 

And more good news, 
I will die, 
Slowly day by day, 
The longer I CHOOSE
to play into the fear of 
Retreat 
Retreat 
Retreat.

So adiós, old amigo. 
For yes, that part of me that retreated is like a long-lost friend.
But one I need to thank, honor, and release for good. 

And so that work begins. 
The only difference is
I’m showing up 100% committed
To this new visible me… 

No more 1% out, as that b*tch ain’t for me.

Please meet the new me.
An author of many words,
A curator of JOY,
A creator of what you see below.

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Photo Credit: Toa Heftiba @heftiba

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