Conduit For JOY
So, what do you want?
My Frenchman used to ask me that question,
when I was so bloody depressed,
riddled with anxiety,
even though I didn’t know it...
Filled with dis-ease that was literally making me sick…
And spinning in over-thinking,
over-achieving,
over-doing land.
Forever seeking something that was always just out of reach.
What do you want?
He’d ask and my mouth would go dry.
I wanted to rip my hair out and scream.
Such a visceral,
wanna throw-up in my mouth,
reaction to that simple question
because I’d spent my entire existence caretaking
and being what everyone else wanted me to be…
Hiding myself…
And to be me…
I had no clue.
I’d neglected me for, well, ever.
Who was I even?
Only when I’d write my stories
in the dead of night,
or the early morning moments,
when it felt like all the little creatures
and judgy-watchful eyes were asleep
was I me.
A me who did word-play
A me who created strong characters
A me who was a rockstar in my chosen field,
behind the proverbial curtain of OZ…
But in my everyday life, I perfected the art of copycatting.
Being who I was expected to be.
Who others wanted me to be.
They never asked me to. I simply volunteered.
And then became resentful when they weren’t praising me,
Thanking me,
Bowing down to the martyr that was me.
I was a perfectionist of hiding all that was truly me.
So good at it I could not answer that simple four-word question.
What do I want?
So good at it that I couldn’t answer because I truly didn’t know.
And there’s little JOY in not knowing.
Just as there’s no JOY in pushing to figure it out.
An answer to that question.
So if you’re wondering what you want
If you’re searching for your purpose
Your dharma.
Your calling.
Because so many well-meaning figures tell you to live
Your Truth.
Rock Your Purpose.
Do What You Love.
If you’re on the prowl for answers
Seeking that thing just out of reach
That unknown that should be there, right?
Stop.
It pauses.
Enough now.
It can not be found in the struggle of your daylight.
It can not be created through force.
It can not succeed without JOYful flow.
When in force
There is little air
When in force
There is no beating heart.
When in force
You’re in your f*cking head.
So STOP it.
Jump off that head-tripping-train
And sink into the key to all that you need to know.
JOY.
What if your purpose doesn’t bring happiness to you.
What if you bring happiness to your dharma.
Don’t know what that even means?
When you find your JOY
All you seek arrives.
When you find your happy,
Not from doing
But from BEing present with you.
Silent with your-fab-self.
Well, that’s when the heavens part
The angels sing
And the divine gifts that you already have will be known.
Okay, angels might not sing… But in my movie-mind I could see it unfolding like
Titanic moment.
Epic.
Because it is.
Epic.
When you get quiet…
When you lean into you.
When you stop stalking life like a caged lion…
And allow your inner roar some room to be heard.
The all-knowing purr of happiness is within
Right
This
Second.
It’s not outside you
Not in these words
Or a book
Film
Or TED Talk.
Those are simply conduits.
My words are the flow you may need to allow you to hit rewind on your bad-ass-busy self and take your hand off the search bar of life.
You can’t Google your purpose.
But you can discover it.
Within.
I already lead you to the word-path
And its three simple letters.
Missed it?
Here it is again.
JOY.
Be bold.
Discover it and all will unfold.
And I’ll do a happy dance to celebrate you
Minus an “I told you so!”
💜
Photo Credit: Jonathan Sebastiao @jsebastiao
