In The Silence I Found Me
One Moment Can Be Defining
So, we all know it’s a crazy-ass time. I think that cat’s out of that bag. And he’s got his claws out and he’s hissing at all of us to stay back.
And let’s face it, for the non-introvert, this might be hard.
I mean, being locked in. If you are.
Being more silent than you’re used to, perhaps, because the family is, well, home.
There’s a lot of emotion that goes with this moment in time. One day it will be seen as historical and spoken about in classrooms and lecture halls, medical schools and symposiums.
But for right, in this moment, we are in the thick of it. And it kind of sucks for many…
And it’s okay to feel that.
Loss, of what was. From your daily routine, to your everyday freedoms, to your privacy, to the simple ability to shop whenever you want or hang with friends.
Loss for some even means their jobs.
And that can bring on fear.
Again, it’s normal and totally okay to FEEL what we are FEELING, the key thought is to not sink into the pot of emotions and stew.
This is when we can get off-track and even sick. Been there. Done that. In my life… thankfully not now.
Feel and Release. It’s the new way to “fish” from within.
And when able, I encourage you to fish for some JOY.
See, when we feel JOY, whether during a 60-second, spontaneous dance party with the kids while cleaning up after dinner or singing off-key at the top of your lungs while brushing your teeth, we get our very cells a-hopping.
[The toothpaste wipes right up… Try it. Super fun.]
The JOY these little moments bring boosts not only our mood but also our immune system.
No joke. Seriously!
Now, if dancing isn’t your thang, try a laugh-out-loud movie night or curl up with a good book.
And also consider working on you during this time. And all the time.
That one thing, other than adding more JOY to your life, that you put off learning or doing.
Maybe speaking another language, being able to plank for two minutes without dying, Marie Kondo-ing your closet or starting that business you always wanted to.
Heck, maybe it’s writing that book or short story you’ve wanted to for years… okay, decades! If so, hit reply and tell me all about it.
Whatever that thing is, we all have it, why not start it now. Today.
Below finding self-worth in silence is a great 15-minute read. So why wait on that nugget of JOY.
Pour a cup-o-tea or glass of wine and have at it.
Your time is now.
Fish in the pond of you.
Some Word-Love On Self Worth… And More.
Gosh, I love myself, but this wasn’t always the case.
My entire life, I spent dodging and weaving and what I didn’t realize was that there was no escaping that which I hated. Me. I’ve been running from me.
Not the cold weather
Not the school
Not the environment
Not the family
Not the relationship
Not the job
Me.
I didn’t realize the pattern until I was quite-literally stuck on a five-square-mile island, inhabited by less than 2000 people, in a constant-construction-zone of a 100-year-old, sea-side cottage, raising a baby goat.
Random? Yes.
Life has a way of handing out
just what is needed in order to...
DEAL.
And this island...This “dream realized”...
This goat...
THIS was my wake up call.
And it KICKED my perfectly imperfect ass.
Right into GROWTH…
[Prayer hands]
And a moment of immense thanks
To the universe
The grand designer
Who gave me just what I needed
Even when I didn’t know what I wanted.
Because now I can say, less than a year later.
I love myself.
When a year ago now, I was lost
In constant turmoil and so down on myself that
I hated just about everything that made me, well, me.
And I didn’t know how to crawl, let alone climb out of that black hole that was me…And for the first time I was simply too tired to run…
Plus, I had this baby goat…
If you only knew…!
What I discovered in my first year of construction
was my absolute lack of peace.
What I discovered in my second year of life here
was my absolute lack of self-worth.
I was so depleted
it was no wonder
I was on a constant
external
Search
for validation.
It was no wonder
I was desperately trying
to fill my inner cup up
by chasing those who might love me,
might see me,
might get me,
might guide me,
might teach me
something that would help me...
just get there…
Where?
Who the F- knows…
There was nowhere to go
Where I wasn’t already present.
And THAT was the problem.
That was the challenge.
That was the true issue.
I have recently sunk into the line
We take care of what we love…
And yet one day, when I heard it again, something clicked.
One day,
while sitting quietly with…
uh, me…
a quiet moment
that at one time
would have been torture,
I got it…
I felt it.
That deep hate of me.
That disappointment in me.
That belittling of me.
That voice constantly
bickering and
blaming and
shaming and
tearing me down.
Kicking me hard.
Pushing me back.
Telling me I wasn’t
lovable,
wasn’t enough…
And I realized that voice,
that part of me,
was a voice I wouldn’t wish on
my worst enemy.
I realized that voice
was not worthy
of sitting at my table over a cup of tea...
I realized that voice was toxic...
And was slowly killing me.
Was robbing me
Of my joy.
My pleasure in living.
In taking a breath.
And yet, I invited that voice into my head
at every
conceivable
opportunity.
I never said STOP IT!
Enough!
No more!
I am not available for that!
To that voice within me.
The oh-so-negative one.
And one of us had to say Enough.
And Evil-She wasn’t going to! So I did.
We take care of what we love.
And I decided... I matter.
I decided
just saying the words
“I love myself”
was no longer enough.
I choose to lean into
FEELING
those words…
And it hurt.
And it scared me.
And it was so uncomfortable.
Because I had to realize that on some level I did not love me.
On some deep level, I did not care enough to take good care of
my body,
my mind,
my soul,
my money,
my marriage,
my life,
my iron,
my health,
my thoughts.
On some level, I had spent a good 40 years trying to escape...
me.
But now, in the blink of an eye,
I chose a new path.
A new possibility.
Just.
Like.
That.
Keep running from me
and never getting anywhere.
So not working.
Or…
Love me.
Lean in.
Build myself up…
With words
With thoughts
With truly feeling my feelings…
I stopped pulling on the push door
And leaned in.
And for me,
the journey of self-worth
started with silence.
Scary
Silent
Silence.
And in the space
That gap of
Sudden
Delicious
Mind-quiet
I slowly
Started building
my self-worth…
Because,
everything is
a reflection of
how I think of myself.
Period.
My thoughts
My body
My health
My marriage
My money
My business
My, my, my...
And in increasing my self-worth everything changed.
Because
it started
with knowing
I am enough.
It started
with telling
that critical voice
to take a f-ing hike.
Wanna Swim In Some Self-Worth?
Now I’d like to take you on a deep dive journey into you.
Into the silence because
All is possible in that space.
Healing.
Love.
Self-worth.
Joy.
And even peace.
Now.
And boy-oh-boy do we need some peace.
This is more than meditation, this is a self-time-out. This is creating space for you.
Light a candle.
Play some low music.
Some chanting or soft drumming.
Slow and steady…
So that when you breathe in…
You aren’t hurried.
When you breathe out…
You aren’t rushed.
Instead you sink in.
Sit comfortably.
Hands in your lap
Feet grounded, on the floor.
Or cross-legged, on your yoga mat
If you prefer.
Just be.
No right.
No wrong.
No expectation.
Just you
Your breath
In
And
Out
And the silence
Of
Your
Mind.
I want you to close your eyes for a second and imagine a crystal clear pool.
It’s bathwater warm and feels delicious,
like fine silk, against your bare skin
as you ease yourself in.
This is your pool of self-worth
A place you can come to anytime.
A place that has the sounds of a waterfall
A trickle of a stream
A hum of tree frogs…
A rustle of leaves in trees…
Isolate.
Peaceful.
This is your place to Be.
To escape.
To recharge.
To regroup.
And you can access it at anytime
You choose.
See when I dive in, or take a dip in this
Silky-sweetness
I feel healed
Peaceful
Delighted
Delightful.
When I sink into the warmth
I feel hugged
Cherished
Loved.
Because I am.
When I enter this space
There is nothing “wrong” in my world.
Good and bad do not exist here.
There is only love.
A smile.
Pure bliss.
Delicious, is it not?
This is my self-worth pool.
This is where I take a dip into me.
Into building up all that I am.
Into filling my cup to overflowing.
This is where I sink into reflection
And peace.
Into a feeling of loving -- me.
A shiver
A song in my blood
A feeling in my bones.
In this place…
I am enough.
And I know it with each cell of my being.
In this place
I bank that knowing
And build up my self worth account.
Each ripple of the water around me
As I move in a dance, a swim, a sinking in…
Is a golden splash of worth
A droplet of my self-worth
Building me up
Sustaining me
Empowering me.
And it’s a delight.
I collect droplets of gold
Like coins from a collectors treasure.
I watch them pile up in my palm
Until they overflow
Raining down on me,
Surrounding me.
I touch each one. I smile at each speck of gold
Coin
Ripple
Droplet
And give thanks.
And embrace the love
Of me
Each represents.
Ah, gratitude is like the most fragrant of nectars
On my tongue.
Simply Divine.
As the water
Heals me
Frees me
Nourishes me
Loves me
I place each coin along the edge of my pond
And see the creation of me
Of my love
Of my self-worth account.
No vault is needed to store
These love pieces of me
For this is my sacred space.
A place I visit daily for five, ten, even just a minute or two.
This is where I come
to build up
me.
To Replenish
me.
Try it today and then leave a comment below and share your experience. And let me know if an audio version of this would be of interest to you.
Side Note:
This Works For Me For Two Reasons…
I am responsible for my own self-worth building...
it comes from ME,
my inner work,
my silent-time,
my beingness,
my "gold coins"
and not an external source saying "good job"...
And, I do the work...
I take responsibility for show up
Here in my Self Worth Space.
I make the commitment to sink in
Once a day
Sometimes more.
At the end of the day, week, month, year…
That’s a heck of a lot of self-worth coins…
Far more than I could ever consider giving away.
To fear.
To shame.
To blame.
To anger.
To hate.
To others.
To stories.
To the past.
To a future that I now know I do not control.
And never have.
Instead, I focus on now.
This moment.
And I build myself
My power
My self-worth
In the silence.
In the moments I dive into my space.
I collect those
golden ripples,
those droplets,
those coins
Of self-worth
and I touch each one,
look at each one,
am THANKFUL for each one!
Gratitude is key.
My self-worth bank account is becoming SO INFINITE that nothing can ever drain it...(as has happened in the past)...
My self-worth account is so overflowing that I can actually have “hard” conversations with people and not want to run away.
My self-worth account is so FULL that I feel complete with no need to prove anything to anyone…
My self-worth account enables me to bask in peace.
Even in a time such as this.
My self-worth brings perks and reward points that even the best credit card companies can’t compete with.
One of them being… love.
Of self.
Focusing on self-worth will pay dividends beyond the best stocks you can imagine.
Investing in your self-worth brings peace, joy, and so much love that the little critical voice within simply is no more.
Now that’s freedom.
That’s peace.
That’s everything.
Photo Credit: Ryan Moreno @ryanmoreno
