What Transformation Looks Like (For Me)
Imagine always caring about what others think of you…
Imagine always worrying about the words that come out of your mouth…
Imagine if your constant rain of thoughts is so negative you want to pull the covers up over your head…and never-ever get up.
Imagine feeling less than, broken and so lost tears well up at any moment, day or night.
Well, that about sums up the old version of me. And what follows are topics that would have crushed me, spun me, shook me to the very core,
But no more…
What Transformation Looks Like — For Me
A month ago I was told I was being ‘aggressive’
Because I spoke up to ask for clarity on something.
Two weeks ago I was felt I was being ‘mean’
Because I spoke up when something wasn’t done well.
Last week I was unfriended
Because, well, I’m not exactly sure...
Yesterday I could have been disappointed
Because someone “let me down”
Today I celebrate my growth.
Because none of it bloody matters.
Because none of what used to matter so much to me
now matters a single bit.
There is no hurt when someone shares how they perceive me,
where as in the past,
holy moley,
cue the water works.
There is no replaying a conversation in my head over and over, wishing I’d said this or that or stood up for myself differently.
There is no more believing I am a b*tch when I speak up, stand tall and firm in me.
There is simply no care of judgment from others.
There is no space for the juvenile antics or petty crap that hindered me of old.
There is no attachment to any outcome, anymore and that has freed me to not be let down by people, and feel not of this world, every damn day.
There is only peace.
Because none of it matters.
There is no more sinking in and wallowing in a cesspool of feelings.
There is no thinking I am broken.
Today I celebrate the realization that it no longer serves me.
To live to please others.
To shrink back.
To make them right.
To allow another to tell me who I am...being.
Today I stepped into my own power.
I am a soft, JOYful, loving female
who is also a bad-ass, empowered woman.
And I no longer apologize for those two sides of me.
I no longer stuff one down.
I no longer try to be liked by all.I no longer please…
Simply to please.
To not speak when the need to say something is there.
To receive words that are not mine to receive.
To accept things from another because I
maybe, somehow some way...
...Deserve them.
Am a victim
Not good enough
Not lovable as me
Need to be more, better, different
Need to blend in
Fit in
Be who everyone wants me to be.
No. More. Is. That. Me.
This is power.
And while it’s different,
And while it’s not exactly a perfect fit
Like a comfy, cozy sweater on a brisk fall day
I am leaning in.
I am growing into the goddess of me.
The cosmic being who
Doesn’t care to be right
No longer judges others
Nor me.
And refuses to
hide from that which doesn’t feel good.
Those feelings.
Those conversations.
Those moments.
But instead, goes all in.
Expectations shed
Limitations tossed aside
Emotions felt
but no longer a simmering pot within.
To stand up for me…
To hear words tossed my way…
To CHOOSE what I receive and what I do not
To see the mirror another is really speaking into That most often has nothing to do with me.
And feel nothing but love
love
love
for them…
And to feel love for me...
Even in a moment that point-blank sucks.
Because there are intense momentsEnergetic spans where I feel an awareness
Raining down on me that’s unlike anything I’ve ever felt before.
Instead, I’m open
Receiving
Allowing
Flowing.
No longer hiding
Behind a mask of me.
Behind expectations of me.
Behind the stories of my past
Fears of my future.
This, my friend, is new
Is beauty within chaos
Is the blooming of truth within.
And it’s fragrant
It’s fresh
Like a fine dew just resting
On the petals of all that is me.
Own it. Acknowledge it.
Be it.
The growth...The shifts...
The truth peeking out
Delicately…
It’s all so very free.
To be finally
rooted
and
intentional
as
me.
💜
If any of this resonated with you, leave a comment below and then consider downloading your free copy of The Perfect Imperfect Manifesto, a quick read, that answers the question What If I’m Not Good Enough?
Photo Credit: Paolo Chiabrando @chiabra
