Conflicted To Aligned
I’ve been conflicted most of my life and as I write these words,
maybe you can relate.
It’s as if a part of me has wanted one thing
and the other part, desired the opposite,
for as long as I can remember.
Step out and shine.
NO!
Retreat. Retreat. Retreat.
It was as if a voice within was literally saying, on a loop,
Go into that self-imposed cave,
I mean home,
and write.
Now, maybe your conflicted moments don’t have actual dialogue
(mind-of-a-writer here)
But on some level, I have a feeling you get me.
You hear what I’m saying, as you are still reading, are you not?
See, I have so many talents. But who am I to offer them?
I have so many gifts. But who am I to share them?
I have so much love in my heart for others. But who even cares?
Especially, when I didn’t have love in my heart for me.
And that’s the bottom line of my former-conflicted-self.
Lack of love for me.
Lack of confidence in me.
Lack of proof that I am enough…
To just do all-the-things.
To just do anything at all.
To live my life for me.
To say the hell with what others think.
To say I am magic, watch me wave my wand and create all I want…
To invite people on this journey with me…
To impact others and get out of my own head, my own way....
Yet, when I didn’t love me, it was hard to know what I even wanted.
So-much-conflict, I was like my very own never-ending soap-opera until I put All My Children to bed after 43 years.
Damn, but the numbers don’t lie… living conflicted for four decades.
Just why?
Yet, when you know no other way, it’s easy to stay in the mire of all that self-turmoil, self-criticism, self-analysis and think,
There is so much noise in the world, why even speak up? Why add more crap….
So instead I did nothing,
Or next to nothing,
And called it a day...
As I moaned about the victim that was me.
Instead, I’d get courageous and take two steps forward only to take ten steps back.
And then ask that never-ending Q of why?
Why me?
The question that begs another and another and yep, another.
Until I got sick of my own self and really heard the voice within.
The one that was nasty.
The one that was full of such doubt, such pain, such hatred…
Of me.
The one that had spent all these decades asking the ‘wrong’ questions…
Questions based in lack.
Questions that kept me in the spin —
Of conflict.
Who am I to do that thing?
Who am I to share those words, that idea, anything?
Who even cares?
What if I’m not enough?
When I pressed pause on these questions and started asking myself, less
questions...
And when I did, question — asking better ones…
The world tilted under me and this magical thing happened.
Alignment.
So I bring this idea to you today…
When a Q pops into your head that’s based in doubt, in lack, in criticism of you, simply flip it.
It looks like this and may just make you smile…
When you’re mind says “Who am I to do that thing?” flip that sh*t to…
Who am I NOT to do that thing?
Who am I NOT to share those words, that idea, anything?
When that voice wants to ask “What if I’m not enough?” you’re immediate comeback is…
What if I AM enough?
When you think no one cares what you do or have to say you’ll be changing that tune from Who even cares?
to
Even if no one cares, do I care enough to…?
Or even better if you’re feeling sassy… Do I even give two-f*cks?!
When I stepped fully into loving me, all changed.
So if I can offer you one thing in this love-note from me to you, it’s this…
To Be Conflicted Is A Choice.
When I chose to love me instead, the conflict that was me melted away.
I didn’t do all this on my own… but I did show up, for me, each and every day.
I had a mentor and a coach as my guide this last year, and it’s made all the difference in the world.
Sometimes we need another to point out that which we can’t ourselves see and she is that for me.
I’ll be sharing more about her in a coming post and revealing something crazy-cool that may just fill you with as much JOY as it does me…
If you subscribe to my Wednesday Words, you’ll be receiving an email all about it…you can get on that word-train with me right here and never miss a JOYful moment again.